i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My ass is underappreciated
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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