I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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