Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
