I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
