he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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