I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
