im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
