I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
