Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
