I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
