My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
where am i from again
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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