I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
