watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
