so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
