You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
