my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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