Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
