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This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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