i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
