if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
