I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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