so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
