This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
