Your face is a jimmy john
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
