ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
