I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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