where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
