my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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