Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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