My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
God, I missed his penis.
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