Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
