It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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