I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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