A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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