I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
