She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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