moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
