he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
