Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I could make wine with my vomit
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
