3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
