Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
