im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
