I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
