What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
