Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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