Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
