I need help removing her.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
