dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
