i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
