I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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